Posted by: Dinesh Kapur | December 24, 2011

Disappearing in a Cloud of Dust! (Part 1)

I am not sure if it ever happened to me before.

 “Ladies and gentlemen this is your flight captain. The Raipur Traffic Controller asked for a missed approach landing – so we have taken off again. This was to prevent a bird hit. The ground crew is inspecting the runway. We will approach the run way again shortly for landing.”

I have flown plenty of times. Now I am not a veteran of flights like the venerable beard upstairs (in my current office), but even though I have flown many times and also for long durations, I cannot help but instinctively brace ever so slightly for a landing. Invariably my stomach does a tiny cartwheel when the landing gear rubber makes contact with hard asphalt. But this time, as we sat only 100-200 feet above the ground bracing for the plane to touch down, suddenly, the whirring of the engines intensified. A surge of power coursed through the aircraft turbines and within moments, the cars in the vicinity of the airport became ants again. The buildings were matchboxes. This time my stomach did two cartwheels – not the best start to a 12-day Energy Audit at Century Cements in Baikunth, Chhatisgarh.

Some of the passengers smiled silly smiles and blurted nervous laughs. The lady sitting behind me, the better half of a new couple was now experiencing motion sickness.

I looked down nervously at my black sneakers.

Since you are reading this post it implies that the flight did land eventually. So at 7:00 am on 12 December 2011, a Monday morning, the Energy Auditors found themselves picking up their 9 heavy KGB style suitcases from a coarsely built baggage belt at Raipur airport, drawing the lazy interest of our co-passengers. Our motley crew assembled outside the airport for the vehicle(s) sent by the cement lords. The journey from the airport skirted Raipur city and was largely through the thin 2-lane road traveling through the Chhatisgarh hinterland. It was largely uneventful since the ‘RED’ threat was in the opposite direction, near the convergence of Orissa, Andhra Pradesh and Maharashtra. The landscape was mostly plain and brown. It was interspersed with brown and green trees and there were hardly any crops or plantations. As we exited the airport one could detect a slight haze of dust all around. Why? The answer came from gaping craters in the ground. Limestone quarries. The staid brown countryside was interrupted with plenty of pink and white cavities in the land.

We stopped for tea. The first sip set the tone for the countless cups of tea we would need over the next 12 days. After a cup of tea-flavored sugar and 60 kilometers of traveling we reached a township in the middle of nowhere. Century school was followed by Century college, a small shopping complex, there was a cricket ground, well maintained roads, some houses and then suddenly emerged the towering 4700 tonnes per day cement plant – Century Cements. The view was properly hazy now. The fine dust transformed the world into a scene behind a dusty computer screen.

Introductions with the engineers manning the plant followed. The use of the word ‘manning’ is to bring to your notice an implicit truth. Barring the few women that we saw in the guesthouse on days 4 and 5, the only other lady in the plant was the diminutive but industrious girl in our Energy Auditing crew. One after another the team nominated by the plant management entered the conference room. Their numbers swelled from 1 to 3 to 10 and rested at 22. The verdict; this was going to be a test of speed, strength and metal, and cement.

The walkthrough survey of the plant began. We zigzagged in and out of the cement mill, the raw mill, the kiln units, the packaging plant, the captive power plant and the pump houses. The initial survey took us up to the railway line that brought the wagonloads of limestone and coal. We were also introduced to a new color – an abnormal hybrid of pink, grey and brown that was pasted on everything that moved and did not move in the immediate vicinity of that plant. Industrial pink!

The flight, the road journey, the kick-off conference, the walkthrough and the winter month of December meant that at 6:00 p.m. it was properly dark. It was also a proper half an hour past the plant personnel’s time to go home. We retired to the guesthouse with alarm clocks set for 6:30 a.m. Reporting time at the plant was 8:00 a.m.

LET THE AUDIT BEGIN!

The alarms did not fulfill their duty. No we were not late. The alarms did not get a chance to alarm us. Our sleep was rudely interrupted at 5:45 a.m. by a harsh ringing of the bell and questions from a man with a gruff voice. He was carrying an old tin kettle and cup and when the door opened he boomed, “CHAI? CHAI LENGE?”

We downed our breakfast quickly – partly because we were eager to reach before time to plan our work and partly because the generous oil made it easier for the food to slide down!

Motors and Lighting were my brief. Since, the number of these devices is large, I teamed up with a teammate to help her in cutting the task down to size. Our first stop was the Raw Mill that was in the immediate vicinity of the Engineering Building.

The notable facts – as we made our way up the heavy wrought iron stairs with 2 engineers from the plant, a phone that belonged to one of them rang. “Why this Kolaveri Kolaveri Kolaveri Di?” – broke the loud grumbling of the machines and piercing screams of the rotating kilns. “Kolaveri Di” in Baikunth, in the middle of nowhere in Chhatisgarh. Is this fast becoming a symbol of national unity?

The next stop was the raw mill. A crisscross of conveyor belts and fans with large containers (hoppers) holding all the crushed limestone that goes in to Birla Gold Cement! The air in that area did not have dust. No, the dust in that area had a few pockets of air!

With each step the dust jumped around gleefully like a dog playing near your feet. Occasionally the dust even rose above the eye-line. As we ventured towards the remaining motors and panels the air got murkier. We were walking in a line. One after the other and I was at the end of the chain. I kept track of the others by focusing on their shoes. In the distance, I saw two other colleagues inspecting the operation of the cooling fans and thermal insulation. I stopped and waved to them. Just then, a rush of dust suddenly swept in … I lost track of my team, the shoes and footprints had vanished … the realization dawned, they were ‘disappearing in a cloud of dust’.

***

End of Part 1

Part 2 follows only if I get comments on this post!

Posted by: Dinesh Kapur | October 24, 2011

Glass – of colorful shades and shattered dreams

Glass – of colorful shades and shattered dreams

The gentleman sitting next to me had his head tilted towards the right in the most unnatural position. His mouth was slightly ajar. Sprawled all over his seat, some of him was also spilling on to mine. Train journeys in India tend to bring out the best in uncomfortable sleepers.

It was 8:00 a.m. in the morning and I found myself hurtling towards a city that was once established many centuries ago by Sikandar Lodi. My second day in the job and I was moving at a little less than 150 km/hour, in India’s fastest train, towards my first energy audit. This time, my journey would extend beyond Agra, approximately 50 kilometers by road, to the SME (Small and medium enterprises) cluster in the small town of Firozabad.

They told me that one can get all the glass they may ever need in that place.
The only flirtations I had with an SME cluster were brief and superficial. This one, however, had the makings of something intense. While I reflected over a shaky cup of tea, the driver from a small village near Almora, the SME glass cluster with its myriad glass manufacturing units and the rest of the TERI team went about their work.

**********

The signs were there from the start. The driver’s assessment of the place was littered with words like ‘bekaar’ and phrases like ‘sahi nahi hai’. We had something in common, this was the first time we were both in the city. Even though he was a few days old, the optimist in me brushed aside his grim musings.

The only excuse for a ‘royal’ hotel in the small town was the inaccurately spelt ‘Monark’. It was either an example of lazy spelling or something I did not pick up. I acquainted myself with the 4 other people from the TERI team. I knew that I was in the midst of well-traveled and experienced professionals, seasoned in the harsh and tough environs of industrial settings. Immediately it was plain to me that I was a novice in the midst of veterans.

As quickly as I entered the only available ‘big’ hotel in that small town, we were out in our vehicle bouncing along what vaguely resembled a motor able road. I assume the effect on the factory workers was magical. Let me remind you, Firozabad is no tourist town where the locals are accustomed to a seasonal influx of SUVs and people dressed in somber office attire. Case in point; total number of SUVs spotted during the entire week long trip was only 2, including the one hired by us. So an Innova loaded with jet black KGB style suitcases (holding all the precious instrumentation that even an elemental energy audit merits) trembling through a cloud of dust, must have been a source of amazement for the factory folk. Little did I know that a few startling revelations were up around the bend for me too.

The team of distinguished audit experts had spelt out the precautions – be cautious, be conscious of movements and be attentive.

Standard instructions, I thought.

Crucial life-saving reminders, I realized later.

There is, indeed, an awful lot of glass there. But It is only all the glass in the world, a woman, from a small town like Firozabad, would need. No, I am not being chauvinistic. Apart from drinking glasses, the only other thing the people seem to make there is ‘glass bangles’! Bangles of all colors, sizes and shades with enough variety to make an Asian Paints catalogue look insufficient! Plain, with designs, without designs, all you have to do is ask!

**********

The factories were as factories are supposed to be; shades of black, brown, grey, metal, steel, piping, loud machines, dirt, grime, angry and orange furnace tanks, electrical wiring that seemed to grow like vines, water – hot, cold, clean and dirty, emaciated workers and their porky, blubbery and rotund factory owners.

I knew what a manufacturing unit looked like. I knew that the machines would be loud and make the air around them oppressive. I knew this from a two-month stint in a power plant during my engineering days. A unit, operated with passable safety standards and protocols.

This was a completely different ball game. The wiring snaked in and out of the way. The water – hot and cold, dripped unannounced. The dust and fumes rose and settled like a symphony of dangerous music. The machines screamed, as if they were on the edge. The factory roof looked ramshackle, the whole place, like an accident waiting to happen! I had braced myself for visiting the bowels of these manufacturing units, but the realization, that these units in their entirety were the bowels of manufacturing in India, was indeed a revelation.

But this is India, this sort of thing happens, doesn’t it?

All of this, however, was not alarming. It was alarming to see a young man, probably my age, or younger, lifting hot molten glass bottles with a gloved hand, in a place where we couldn’t stand for more than a few minutes. He stood there for the entire day, lifting the bottles that were on their side, to stand them on their base while we went about visiting less oppressive parts of the setup. We left the place after a week; he is probably still standing there, braving the mad heat, taking in the fumes, condemning his health. And he was just one, among so many others who were lifting inhuman loads, trudging along with drudgery or baking in close proximity to kilns.

But this is India, this sort of thing happens, doesn’t it?

We have over a billion people, if it wasn’t him, it would be someone else. Time to cling on to the patronizing justifications – “The human body is resilient / this is his fate / it’s his choice / somebody has to do this job / should not bother you…”

Credit goes to him for trying to eke out an honest living. Though it seems, his plight did not bother me enough, because I went about my work. Not alarming enough for me. This was followed by the sight of an eight year old boy walking briskly from a pot furnace to a spinning unit. Barefoot and with an iron rod 8 feet long held tightly in his hand. The tip of the rod was glowing with an incredibly hot globule of molten glass. ‘Sonu’ was eight and he had just joined the job. It was his second week and he was still coming to terms with how hot the rod became after a few minutes in the furnace. He was again, one, among many little children with their dreams melting and shattering with that glass.

But this is India, this sort of thing does happen…

What will become of this? The benefactors of this trade will grow more obese and daring. Children will come and go. A young lad with big-city education and a penchant for writing, will probably blog about it somewhere. Some people might read it. The Wikipedia entry for Firozabad, will still casually say – “Child labour is practiced widely in the city…”

Indeed, this sort of thing happens…

So there I was, at Firozabad, a city on the northern edge of the Deccan Plateau, looking down or up at an ignominy for our country – a culture of colors, magnificent shades and shattered dreams. I couldn’t wait to go back to the 150 km/hour train and the uncomfortable sleepers leaning on my shoulder. At least when they sleep, their dreams don’t melt away or even worse, shatter!

**********

The highlight of the trip! I got one dozen bananas for 20 Rupees at Firozabad! A ‘burkha’ and a thick local accent will get you a dozen for 15!

Posted by: Dinesh Kapur | June 4, 2011

Capital Disconnect – Average dilli waale ka map of India!

GUESS WHO / WHAT IS BACK!

This is the map in its original avtaar. Never really got the time to scan this and put it up.

All it takes is a moment .. and I AM BACK BABY!!

******************************************************************

I am sure you must have seen those television shows / youtube videos where the average American is being interviewed and comes up with the most ‘informed answers’.

In case you don’t know what I am talking about, watch this video first!

THIS VIDEO IS AN ABSOLUTE MUST WATCH!

WATCH IT! AND YOU WILL ENJOY THIS POST A LOT MORE!!

I am sure you have also seen shows where people (read Americans) send in ‘funniest’, ‘craziest’ or ‘most amazing’ videos to prove that George Bush was not an accident. There are more like him. How do you think he got elected?!?!

Hec, the only silver lining, at least ‘Dubya’ was funny!

So while watching a video of these interviews, it suddenly struck me that I have noticed a similar disturbing trends in our own country. More specifically in the melting pot we call the NCT (National Capital Territory).

If you decide to turn down the volume on your mp3 player, or decide not to call someone when you are in a crowded place, you WILL hear them.  They will call out to you. You will look around at those chattering mouths. So many of them, cramped so close to you… None of them talking to you, but the voices, all of them directed at you. You sweat a little. You look left and right, but you can’t run. There are so many faces, not one familiar. The metro is still moving. When will it reach the next station? You can hear them. ‘The voices.’ They are calling out;  the voices of stupid!

And if you pay attention to your facebook feed, you will find, as clichéd as it sounds, that the writing is on the wall!

***

SCENE 1 – Cricket is our national language

Stud 1 – Yaar Madrasi ki batting kitni mast ho gayi hain!

(That Madrasi’s batting has really improved!)

Stud 2 – Haan, wo vacations mein ghar gaya tha, keh raha tha kaafi cricket khela.

(He went home during the vacations this time and played a lot of cricket)

Stud 1 – Where does he live?

Stud 2 – Bangalore.

***

SCENE 2 – Educating the educators (In a West + North dominated college)

Teacher – Your file is good.

Student – Hmm

Teacher – You seem to be hard-working. Not like the others.

Student – Hmm

Teacher – Where are you from?

Student – Sir, Andhra.

Teacher – Oh, Madrasi.

Student – Hmm

***

SCENE 3 – Facebook feeds (us all of this)

1. Noob – Kuch bhi kaho yaar, ‘chinkiyaan’ hoti badi sexy hain

(Chinkys are very sexy, indeed)

Noob’s friend – Kya hua? Sudden realization

(What happened?)

Noob – he he.. nahi yaar.. observed over a period of time.. bolti nahi but they are super sexy!! matlab ordinary ladkiyaan to match kar hi nahi sakti! ;)

(They don’t say much…!! Ordinary girls just cannot match them)

2. Debauched soul – Gurgaon chal, waahan pe apne friends se milaunga, mast ‘chinkiyaan’ hain! Great Music!

(Come to Gurgaon, will introduce you to my friends, very cool Chinkys! Great Music!)

3. Excitable soul – Match at 5. ‘Chinki’ bhi aate hain, awesome game hota hain!

(Chinkys also come to play, hence the game is awesome!)

***

SCENE 4 – Khub jamega rang, jab mil baithenge teen yaar, aap, main aur auto walah! (Sharing an auto on a rainy day)

Strange(r) – To Bhaiya aap kahan ke ho? Patna ke?

(So, where are you from? Patna?)

Auto Driver – Nahi! Hum Kanpur ke pass se hain!

(No! I am from near Kanpur)

Strange(r) – Hmm … (Proceeds to think)

Strange(r) – Kanpur, Patna se kitna door hai

(How far is Kanpur from Patna?)

Auto Driver – (Thinks). Hoga kuch 500 – 600 km

(Must be about 500 – 600 km)

Strange(r) – (Excitedly). Arre Bihar such main kaafi bada hai!

(Wow! Bihar is really very big)

***

SCENE 5 – Where do we meet for coffee and cigarettes?

Someone – I am in Gurgaon, I can meet you at Ambiance Mall. When will you come back from Noida? Where are you going?

Somebody – Sector 18

Someone – Oh, near Great India Place Mall.

Somebody – Yeah, but I have to go to Rajouri Garden for some work later. Can you come there?

Someone – You mean Lifestyle mall. No yaar, too far!

Somebody – Ok then somewhere in South Delhi?

Someone – Haan, I can come to Select City Walk! or Promenade?

Somebody – I was thinking more like Safdarjung Enclave?

Someone – Dude, I don’t know where that is, Delhi is big!

***

SCENE 6 – More Face-book updates! Do you feel inundated by all those photographs flying all over your wall?

1. Goa pics uploaded!

2. Goa vacation

3. Chilling in Goa

4. Chillax @ Goa

5. Goa 2008

6. Goa 2009

7. Goa 2010

8. Best Vacation Ever (Number 647)

9. Sun and surf in Goa

10. Goa 2011?

11. Best place in the world – Goa!

12. Goa Rulzz!

13. Go Goa

14. Goa 2012

15. Goa – Part XXVI

16. Goa 2051?

***

SCENE 7 – General No-ledge!

1. Yaar yeh Maoists kaunse desh se hai, India main kaise aaye?

(Which country do these Maoists belong to? How did they come to India?)

Fortunately, I have only met one, of this variety!

***

SCENE 8 – It happens only in India!

1. Dude it took me 10 hours to get to Jaipur! There was a Gujjar-Meena highway protest!

2. Even the fishes have started going on strike in West Bengal!

3. Sardar friend – I’ll be visiting all my extended family this summer, so won’t be in Delhi for a month or so

Friend – Oh nice! Going to your hometown?

Sardar Friend – Kinda

Friend – Where?

Sardar Friend – London :D

***

DISCLAIMERS FIRST.

1. In hindsight, maybe this does not represent all of Delhi. Maybe it does ;)

But for those of you idiots who can’t say North East Indians or have no idea where Chattisgarh is, wake up, smell the coffee, or else the Americans might take YOUR jobs!

2. The map is a figment of boredom and imagination, please do not take it personally.

3. We all know that all Americans are NOT stupid. Some of the brightest minds, ideas, businesses and technology have come from that country. Some of the best universities in the world are in that country.

“CAPITAL” Disconnect

 I am tired now!

This thing took all day, so YOU better comment!

In the meantime – Hit it ‘Dubya’!

And again!

Good night folks!

**************************************************************

THESE WERE THE COMMENTS FROM LAST TIME

COMMENTS

  • superb piece of writing….i hope it serves as a wake up call to all those ‘cool dudes’ out there………nd dis map is nt a figment of boredom but a standing proof that u never listen to music in public…..:P

By: sourabh dabas` on August 19, 2010
at 6:10 pm

Reply

Delightful and brilliant post. But it was scary.

Did I mention it was brilliant?

The sad bit is, all of what you have mentioned is not just some rare facet of Delhi, but a sizable and powerful chunk. And this phenomena of half bakedness exists throughout the country.

Well, we have all had chances to make speeches to ourselves when we were students. That time is over. We NEED to stay true to our ideals and fight complacent stupidity in all its forms. Dinesh, sirf maze lene se nai chalega, otherwise these cretin WILL be the next face of India.

Do your country a favour and be a jerk at times, if only to mock such specimens on their faces. I’m going to spend a lot of time redirecting people to this excellent post of yours.

By: Anupam Guha on August 19, 2010
at 6:13 pm

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Hmm… Innarusting…

By: Nimish Batra on August 19, 2010
at 6:29 pm

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Great map!

I am from Delhi and I think your statements are true for more than 50% of delhiites… of course like america, we have our smart bunch too!!

We are from the national capital….and we don’t know the nation

By: H on August 19, 2010
at 7:14 pm

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The map is just brilliant … i spent a month in Jharkhand and one of the first responses i got when i came back was from an cousins friend who said .. happen to find any maids there mine just quit!

not to mention that Delhi has of-course become just a series of malls … like without those things, Dilli main toh kuch hai hi nahi na..

By: Ammu Sanyal on August 19, 2010
at 7:38 pm

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Abey awesome hai ye Fact… Dilli walle bhi Clueless hi hain! Jai Dubya!!!

By: Nitin Khanna on August 19, 2010
at 7:46 pm

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“educating the educators” aur “khoob jamega rang .. ” ke alaawa baaki sab aise scenes hain jo har jagaha milenge is duniya mein. baaki, agar kisi ne tumhaare saamne kanpur ko bihar ka hissa bataya hai, to woh waakai mein ajooba hai, aur aise log neglibible amounts mein present hain. student ke muh par madrasi! woh bhi student ke muh se uski location jaanane ke baad! lagta hai tumne bahaut saare exceptions ek saath dekh liye hain. region domination hota hai, duniya mein hota hai, but inta verbal form mein to bhaiya shaayad hi maine sapne mein bhi dekha ho delhi mein.

By: rahul khokhar on August 20, 2010
at 4:33 am

Reply

very well written and you have addressed the issue very well. Over the years people have this thing that they are “cool” and they know everything.

You have again reinstated my belief the education is an over-rated word.

good work keep it up. Yes one thing more LOVVVVEEEEED the map !

By: sahil singh on August 20, 2010
at 8:06 am

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Fucking brilliant, man. Love your blog!

- @urgv

By: /urgu on August 20, 2010
at 8:29 am

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Dino! That map is sheer brilliance!

By: Trina on August 20, 2010
at 1:39 pm

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unfortunately part and parcel of our aping the west!

great work on the map! i like how you still have faith in the sense of direction however!

By: preeti on August 20, 2010
at 3:04 pm

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Wow!! Thats the first post I’ve read of yours..n its terrific and H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S. The next time i travel in metro..im gonna be listening too!

By: Anisha on August 20, 2010
at 5:24 pm

Reply

Thats the first post I’ve read of yours…and its absolutely terrific and H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S. The next time i travel in metro…im gonna be listening too!

By: Anisha on August 20, 2010
at 5:27 pm

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The post truly deserves a huge round of applause!

The picture it presents, of ‘Dilli’ and ‘Dilliwaalahs’ reinforces my belief that there’s nothing capital about the residents of the capital; a major chunk still needs to be ‘e-joo-ke-tid’, if you know what I mean.

I like the sense of humor instilled, and I’m not surprised at your post being circulated far and wide; it needs to be.

By: nidhign on August 20, 2010
at 5:43 pm

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Super!
I loved the gujjar meena highway patrol mark on map. hilarious!

By: Raj on August 20, 2010
at 7:03 pm

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brilliant map work…. i make a point to remove my headphones in metro nd listen around …and believe me…people in delhi ARE SOMETHING!!!!! nd not jst the sheer ignorance but the way some people flout it … blows me away (shock!!!!)
nd evn i know one of this ‘maoist kaha se ae hain’ kinds…. hahaha

By: shweta bhalla on August 21, 2010
at 5:37 am

Reply

prolific writing!
This is so good-humored.
you covered ‘dilliwalon ka attitude’ in simple words!:D
I just loved that map concept!’dilliwale’ love to live in oblivion.

By: ayushi on August 21, 2010
at 3:09 pm

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Awesome man DK… must share now!!! loved the map, being a fellow madrasi and chinki-work-hater…

By: Akshay Rao on August 21, 2010
at 5:04 pm

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  • [...] please read this post in my friend Dinesh Kapur’s blog. It is quite [...]

By: ‘Ere we go! « Ephemeral Thoughts.. on August 21, 2010
at 7:37 pm

Reply

Brilliant!!!

By: Ayan on August 24, 2010
at 5:58 pm

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  • [...] Leonardo DiCaprio and Ellen Page are doing much cheaper-paying jobs now) and be sure to check out Decay’s Blog for some MS Paintery of his [...]

By: Three Quarks for Muster Mark! « CHAOSVERSE on August 26, 2010
at 11:56 am

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Hilarious!

Am from Delhi, and this is just so very true .. for a large chunk of the Delhi population!

The map captures everything so aptly

By: Neha on August 26, 2010
at 2:33 pm

Reply

Posted by: Dinesh Kapur | February 25, 2011

Humans – 1411 – Left?

I am sure the tigers would prefer it to be this way!!

Posted by: Dinesh Kapur | December 26, 2010

From Queen’s Baton to Queen’s Bailun!!

In this season of scams, will there be retribution? Will the empire strike back? With Sheela’s jawani capturing everyone’s attention, will Sonia step up to the challenge? Will Kalmadi run or will he be caught?

Posted by: Dinesh Kapur | November 16, 2010

Next UNSC seat for India? Quick thinking by Manny!

SATIRE ALERT!

Over the past few weeks, I am sure anyone who reads a newspaper, watches the news, loafs about the internet, reads periodicals or eats some nice roadside ‘channas’ (wrapped in newspaper) would have seen this picture of Dr. Manmohan Singh and Barack Obama embracing each other at the conclusion of the US President’s visit to India. This is also am image that is symbolic of the ties between the two nations.

Dr. Manmohan Singh and Barack Obama embracing bilateral ties

Image taken from http://www.thejakartapost.com/files/images2/1obama2.jpg

Just look at them! So happy! Like two friends reuniting after a long time! Like a diva and her nurturing mother addressing the media! Like two kids clinging on to each other!

I couldn’t help but think that just to give a good photo-op and make himself smile, Dr. Manmohan Singh was thinking about USA’s open endorsement of our desire to become a permanent fixture in the UNSC. I began wondering how the negotiations went and how he managed to convince Barack Obama to openly declare USA’s support.

I wondered… (think of that harp / dreamy music in cartoons that take the characters to thinking / imagining mode)

How the endorsement came about?

Quick thinking by Manny! Might just get us a seat!

“An after office hours production”

Disclaimer – I think Dr. Manmohan Singh rules! This is plain satire! That is all!

Alternative strip, for those with an alternative sense of humour

Posted by: Dinesh Kapur | August 28, 2010

Maintenance work in progress.

Dear Readers,

My PERSONAL blog, is under going maintenance, a little bit of dusting, cleaning and upkeep.

Never fear, the funnies are not far away.

So please bear with me.

Thank you for all the hits and comments on this non-commercial expression of creative thought.

Cheers!

Posted by: Dinesh Kapur | July 26, 2010

Colombian temptress and bad dreams in Johannesburg!

I had a really bad dream, it was boring and endless, and start stop and some bald man kept whistling throughout and showing pieces of yellow paper to other bald men (and to some other people, that looked like frail old women – with the way they kept falling all over the place) It was violent, people were getting kicked, pummeled and ‘Bommeled’.

It started out okay, rather nicely, in fact. This beautiful, luscious goddess who has been gyrating in our collective conscious for the past month, descended to the land of Mandela and she sang and danced. Adorned with flowers and a flowing dress, she looked like the shaman from the wildest of dreams. Those happy moments, with her and me, me and her and then suddenly, the sound of this infernal plastic device pierced the air and the boring bit began.

This dream, it went on and on, past the regular duration of most dreams, and then this jack in the box popped out and let loose this hammer blow and I was scared, because it reminded me of a similar nightmare I had on a cold Champions league night. Then I breathed a sigh of relief, thankfully Chelsea did not play World Cups!

The little men in black (say no to racism, a*****e!) erupted with jubilation and finally, thankfully, the laborious 2o1o FIFA World Cup final was over.

Some of the street fighters celebrated and some cried. I couldn’t care less for either. I shrugged and dragged myself to bed. I lay on my bed and almost instantly, I began drifting. The sound of ‘Waka waka’ playing and Shakira dancing in my mind, I was drifting again, slowly and slightly. The breathing was deeper and slower, my eyes closed, heart beating peacefully. I was drifting, my Shaman was calling out for me, I think I began snoring at that point, the Shaman she was calling for me, her beloved vuvuzella.

Posted by: Dinesh Kapur | April 18, 2010

Who killed the art of letter writing?

NOTE : This is a hypothetical letter from a hypothetical delegate at a hypothetical conference. The said delegate is very pretentious. The conference slightly more so.

And now, the hypothetical letter, proper;

**********

Dear Sir,

This is a long overdue email. Nonetheless, it will not stop me from claiming that it was a pleasure interacting with you at the event organized by you. I have to laud you for your organization. The event was very well done up. The food served by you was also very good. It was a humble honor to interact with you and the most excellent speakers that your company had bought to the stage. Some of them were very revealing.

Interacting with the other delegates was also very pleasing. Many cards were exchanged. I was a little saddened by the exchanges. Many trees must have been sacrificed to print so many cards. Maybe next time you can create an online portal or forum where we can exchange e-cards.

The venue was also very pleasing. Your selectivity of the venue shows that you must have had a lot contacts. Hopefully, I will be able to make you my contact by touching the bases with you through this email.

Before I forget, I must mention that I do not yet possess documentary evidence of my presence at the occasion that was organized by you. I repeatedly emailed your junior employee to send me the documentary proofs. However, there is no response from his email account. I send emails to him on a weekly basis, but I am still awaiting a reply or receipt of the same emails from your junior employee.

Another thing that I remembered, was that I met the same speakers at another conference. That conference was repeating the speakers. So I thought it is important for me to bring to your notice this possible case of plagiarism. Since I have also had the pleasure of attending these repeating conferences, I have made acquaintances of these high-minded individuals. I must appreciate that are very well versed with their speeches and some of them repeat their speeches like artistes from different theater groups. The gentle speakers recognize me, while others are always polite, every time.

At this point, you must be thinking, that I am some sort of fake-conference-blogger like the fake-ipl-blogger from the preceding season of the IPL. I assure you, I am none of above or aforementioned.

Anyway, I must also say that it was a pleasure when it came to my notice that your circle of joy had expanded. Sometime ago, Dr. XYZ told me that you were the proud owner of a new baby girl. My heartiest congratulations to you! I have reason to believe that the child is a girl and my best wishes to all of you! May you have good happiness and good health.

It was a pleasure connecting with you on the real and virtual platforms and on so many levels. I hope to establish and maintain contact with you for a lengthy period of time. Hopefully, one day you will invite me as a speaker for the events your organize so well. It will indeed be a pleasure!

Best Regards,
Delegate No. 123

NOTE : Any similarity to living persons, events or such things is purely for comic purposes. The author did not intend to offend anyway. Hopefully no delegates, speakers or organizers were hurt during the process of righting writing this letter.

Posted by: Dinesh Kapur | January 2, 2010

Chicken tikka, shaadi mubarak, aap kaun?

For starters, people should look their age and dress their age!

There is no fun in asking a mother of a one year old where she is studying these days. Absolutely no merit in that question! I mean, in asking where the mother is studying!

The reason why such a question would crop up in the first place is because it seems innocuous enough to initiate a conversation. The reasons for trying to initiate a conversation are twofold.

Secondary reason – both grabbed at the orange juice, at the same time; she wanted her vodka easier on the insides and, well I, wanted to have some more orange juice.

Primary reason – The only familiar faces in the entire gathering were the walls!

It takes some effort and courage to walk up to a group of people talking about colors and fabrics and, “oohh pata hai, even I saw the same dress, it was sooo pretty.” The said effort and courage doubles when the above statement is uttered by other men. No, I am not a homophobe. I detest pretension.

Specially after I have struggled miserably to swallow a cold and seemingly raw piece of chicken tikka in the middle of the most laborious conclusion to a conversation. The other conversation-convict had her eyes transfixed in horror, at the size of  a human bite! It started off okay,  but ended with talk of some random food event graced annually by my friend, between mouthfuls. The festival incidentally is held in her neighbourhood. She has never heard of such a festival! No I am not charming – in her own words, she is queer. No actually, ‘lebs-be-un’. Or mayber she chose to be that way after me.

So the conversation flowed – between other people – while I sat in different corners.

Obese and bearded men held the attention of other older men and young women.

I am sure, the “finer nuances of the intellectual ramifications of a prognosis of non-linear spatial ideas in the realms of contextually moving narratives with respect to their relation in history and economic sub-cultures” were actively discussed!

Definitely discussed! At length! What brilliance!

Some fashion ‘co-ordinated’ women were deeply engrossed in moving discussions. Older, experienced and working professionals were switching between quite conversations with their partners or close friends and ‘office mode’.

‘Office mode’  – hold a glass of an alcoholic beverage in your right hand with the left preferably in the pocket. The distance between your legs is directly proportional to how boring the conversation is likely to be. If your feet are close together, a few short jabs will be exchanged.

(Sample short jabs)

A – (excitedly) Hi! How are you?

B – (competing to be equally fake) Hi! I am great.

A – Still stuck in the same company

B -  Yes it won’t amount to much without me, it will probably end up like yours

A – Nice to meet! Fuck off!

B – You too! Bastard!

In case your legs are fart apart, about a foot, you know this is going to be a long conversation about how it is “crucial to analyze and ‘banal-ise’ the implications and psyche of classified sections of a neo-modernistic society in the revealing light of impressionistic work on the prevalent societal norms because unless someone does something like this, I can bullshit for a considerable amount of time…also the interwoven sub-cultures need to be sieved through with delicate…”

Personally, I think, I would have to do the following to survive conversations at most parties;

The best way to survive a dinner party!

The best way to survive a dinner party!

Also, you need to nod your head after every five words. After every few minutes start to stand on your toes your toes and half-way through abort. The result is head movements with occasional tempered thrusts. They serve as necessay punctuations. (For men only! Women do other things like – fake interest and shift their weight, cross their legs or heave their bosoms!)

I am not usually SO anti-social. There were a few fleeting warm smiles, from some seemingly likeable and interesting people. Unfortunately this was one of those occasions where you enter and you instinctively say – “Oh oh, I don’t think I am going to like this evening…” and that sticks out as the theme of the night. This particular evening was a little tough to ‘digest’ since the crowd was smallish and largely close knit – by neat fabrics, fuchisia and sub cultures.

Also, the presence of family tends to inhibit free expression, as a family member gives people a reference to judge. Not fun! Prison for the judges!

So inspite of a possible possibility of being acquainted by people who looked my age (and pretty), I couldn’t gather the gumption to break those animated and excitable coteries.

I shrugged my shoulders and asked if the paneer tikka was done. It wasn’t! By the way, the night gets worse – I start recieving phone calls to break the monotony of sitting in uncomfortable corners. The junta was now looking at me either reproachfully or with sneer.

So I indulged in conversations, on the phone, away from that smallish ‘intellectually’ and ‘gastronomically’ charged space…only to realise, that by the time I came back, most people had eaten. The others had done the customary – ‘touching the food’ and plates with plenty of food in them were already in the bin!

The experience of sticking out like a sore thumb – in a leather jacket – left me in no mood to be the last one with the dinner plate. Inexplicable decision in normal times. However, this was an extraordinary situation where I did not know anyone at a dinner party!

I was tired and sleepy. Had some dessert (which was not sweet!)

Some other highlights;

1) Spoke to an engineer, now a sort of marketing analyst, who claimed, that being in engineering he had met ‘so many people like me’! Thank you!

Some of the things he said were interesting. However, if you give people too much respect – specially when they state the obvious – they sign off by saying, “sure, you can ask me for any advice or help”

BLAH! The dessert! The attitude!

2) Spoke to a chap true to his profession. He was apparently relaying, replaying and reporting the things I told him. He is a journalist!

The hostess was unquestionably nice, took pains to engage me in conversation, get people to mix around, but I was too tired, hypoglycemic and sleepy to come off as sparklingly bright and witty, which I usually also fail to do when I am alert and well feed. The less said about the host, the better, because I actually have nothing to say about the guy! Except that he likes red!

Congratulations and a verry happy married life to the couple!

Happy new year!

Epitaph for the evening: Came home and had leftover lunch – ‘chappatis’ and ‘aloo-gobi’ and was so close to eating ‘shalgham’ also. Told a doctor about it, she was eating lasagna!

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