We all have our favourite superheroes while growing up. Boys more so than girls (just an observation, not a claim). Growing up, specifically for the privileged, does entail the thrill of reading the tales of your superhero kick some villain butt. The glossy and colorful illustrations, the speech and thought clouds, moving between frames .. in essence the comic book experience goes a long way in endearing kids to their favourite crime fighter, or in some cases, criminal even. Television shows and movies have taken that one step further.

Thanks to the captivating comic books, action figures, movies and other forms of marketing genius (biscuits, cornflakes etc.) most kids go to bed dreaming of waking up with super powers – the ability to fly, to scale buildings, shoot lasers with a look or a wave of the hand.

Some of the desired superpowers do change from time to time – being able to ‘look through walls‘ is replaced by the ability to ‘look through clothes‘ or simply just ‘walking through‘ anything – remember Thing from the Fantastic Four. Some of the other more popular freakish abilities are superhuman strength, control over – ice, fire, water, wind and other forces of nature, surviving like Tintin, kicking ass like asterix and among others the ability to stretch – he he.

As I lay incapacitated owing to illness I began wondering what kind of superhero theme would suit me. Most kids go to bed dreaming about – a nice juicy bite by a spider from outer space, flying off the roof while wearing red underwear on blue tights, copulating with a bat (or other mammals). Kids are stupid enough to hope that their first chemistry experiment of mixing salt in warm water will give them the ability to fly !! Idiots.
After intense deliberation I realized I already have a superpower ! I am a superhero !

It stems from an active upper respiratory tract. I am allergic to anything that can cause an allergy. If you have an allergen friend which has lost confidence in its abilities as an allergen, send them over to me – in matter of seconds I’ll be spraying drops of sneeze all over the place.

Yes, ladies and gentleman – I am Sneeze Man !! I have the power of unlimited Mucus in my nasal linings – how cool is that !! Its true – If we can convert mucus into a usable byproduct, I have enough mucus to solve the world’s water and food crisis – (hey, I have seen Trevor pick his nose and enjoy the after taste) – and be left with a sufficient amount to address the fuel situation too.

Hec, I have sneezed 10 times while writing this piece here.

I am lucky I have realized the presence of this hidden talent now, because I have been sneezing incessantly lately and I feel I am hitting my prime. All I need is an outfit and a multi-million dollar deal with Marvel Comics or Raj Comics (whoever comes first).

I will have to iron out a few details though, my action figure will have a faucet instead of a nose – lets make that a leaky faucet. My catchphrase – “When crime is near, sneeze spray will drench your fear.”

You reckon the meds and the nozey have gone to the head? Oh, I can feel it coming, this is gonna be a big one – clear the decks – sneeze on its way !!

P.s. – What kind of superhero does this logic make, a certain Nimish Batra?