I was up for an MRI scan recently. Slight niggle in the back owing to all the exuberant and effusive antics on the football pitch, lifting heavy things and BAD posture. I am doing some more of the latter while typing this post here.

Anyhow, most people react to, or explain, MRI machines with wide eyed fascination and wonder. The notion of being gobbled up i.e. going inside the machine never ceases to enthrall. The instructions also get a few raised eyebrows. Essentially there is only one important instruction – very little clothes and nothing metallic i.e. no cellphones, watches, clothes with metal, chains, rings etc. as they will most likely melt. Also credit cards are not allowed too, not that I would be using one when almost in the buff.

MRI man: That is the changing room. Remove your shirt, jeans and underclothes.

Me: All my underclothes? Under .. em?

MRI man: NO ! Don’t remove that.

Me: Socks?

MRI man: (The look basically said, stop asking me questions about your clothes).

Me: Right.

I was told to lie on a thinnish bed. My head was fixed into position using plastic clamps and I had two probes on my back. Ever so swiftly I was whisked into the machine and told NOT TO MOVE !

I was stuck in a cylindrical chamber where I was practically kissing the ceiling. His instruction seemed a little unnecessary considering the fact that walking out of the MRI room entailed the formation of a ‘Dinesh Kapur’ shaped hole in the machine.

The machine whirred to life.

I had absolutely no idea that the hospital was hosting a ‘Techo-beats’ party nearby !! From the moment the process began till the time I staggered out of the machine and almost keeled over twice, I heard all kinds of beats !!

MRI machine: TRONIC -TRONIC – TRONIC – TRONIC – TRONIC – TRONIC ..

Me: Why?

MRI machine: OOPCHICK – OOPCHICK – OOPCHICK – OOPCHICK – OOPCHICK – OOPCHICK ..

Me: Aargh .. !!

MRI machine: TI DI TEE – TI DI TEE – TI DI TEE – TI DI TEE – TI DI TEE – TI DI TEE ..

(A few minutes later)

MRI machine and me (in unison): TRONIC – TRONIC – TRONIC – TRONIC – TRONIC – TRONIC ..

MRI machine: TRONIC – TRONIC – TRONIC ..

Me: OOPCHICK – OOPCHICK – OOPCHICK ..

After about 10 minutes I decided not jam with the machine.

Since I had the luxury of absolutely nothing to do, I started thinking about any and everything that came to my mind. That was interspersed with urging and reassuring myself that jumping through the machine when it BEEPS LOUDLY !! is not a wise option. I made a very conscious effort to not move even a hair. Such are, however, the opportune moments when people like

Mr. Faceitch – an itch on the face

Miss WeirdShiver – inexplicable shivers and jerks running down the body

Miss Sneezelady – completely inexplicable sneeze

and their ilk, pay a visit.

The thing about moving whilst in the machine – is that the cycle needs to be repeated as the images blur, which implies more minutes jamming inside and with the machine. So I initiated a sneeze shutdown sequence in my head among other completely useless things as I lay looking at the thin blue line on the upper wall.

I was in the machine for 45 minutes !! I ran out of thoughts !! After the first 30 odd minutes my mind was more empty than a vacuum and my body was numb. Thinking about it makes me want to go for a couple of laps around the campus.

Anyhow, after the whirring and purring I stumbled out of the machine, got dressed and walked towards college and other more routine things.

Of course “TRONIC TRONIC OOPCHICK TRONIC OOPCHICK TI DI OOPCHICK TEE” was playing in my head as I boarded the bus and asked for a ticket up to ‘Ordinance Depot’

Conductor: Punzabi Bagh tak jaayegi bus !!