Posted by: Dinesh Kapur | June 4, 2011

Capital Disconnect – Average dilli waale ka map of India!

GUESS WHO / WHAT IS BACK!

This is the map in its original avtaar. Never really got the time to scan this and put it up.

All it takes is a moment .. and I AM BACK BABY!!

******************************************************************

I am sure you must have seen those television shows / youtube videos where the average American is being interviewed and comes up with the most ‘informed answers’.

In case you don’t know what I am talking about, watch this video first!

THIS VIDEO IS AN ABSOLUTE MUST WATCH!

WATCH IT! AND YOU WILL ENJOY THIS POST A LOT MORE!!

I am sure you have also seen shows where people (read Americans) send in ‘funniest’, ‘craziest’ or ‘most amazing’ videos to prove that George Bush was not an accident. There are more like him. How do you think he got elected?!?!

Hec, the only silver lining, at least ‘Dubya’ was funny!

So while watching a video of these interviews, it suddenly struck me that I have noticed a similar disturbing trend in our own country. More specifically in the melting pot we call the NCR (National Capital Region).

If you decide to turn down the volume on your mp3 player, or decide not to call someone when you are in a crowded place, you WILL hear them.  They will call out to you. You will look around at those chattering mouths. So many of them, cramped so close to you… None of them talking to you, but the voices, all of them directed at you. You sweat a little. You look left and right, but you can’t run. There are so many faces, not one familiar. The metro is still moving. When will it reach the next station? You can hear them. ‘The voices.’ They are calling out;  the voices of stupid!

And if you pay attention to your facebook feed, you will find, as clichéd as it sounds, that the writing is on the wall!

***

SCENE 1 – Cricket is our national language

Stud 1 – Yaar Madrasi ki batting kitni mast ho gayi hain!

(That Madrasi’s batting has really improved!)

Stud 2 – Haan, wo vacations mein ghar gaya tha, keh raha tha kaafi cricket khela.

(He went home during the vacations this time and played a lot of cricket)

Stud 1 – Where does he live?

Stud 2 – Bangalore.

***

SCENE 2 – Educating the educators (In a West + North dominated college)

Teacher – Your file is good.

Student – Hmm

Teacher – You seem to be hard-working. Not like the others.

Student – Hmm

Teacher – Where are you from?

Student – Sir, Andhra.

Teacher – Oh, Madrasi.

Student – Hmm

***

SCENE 3 – Facebook feeds (us all of this)

1. Noob – Kuch bhi kaho yaar, ‘chinkiyaan’ hoti badi sexy hain

(Chinkys are very sexy, indeed)

Noob’s friend – Kya hua? Sudden realization

(What happened?)

Noob – he he.. nahi yaar.. observed over a period of time.. bolti nahi but they are super sexy!! matlab ordinary ladkiyaan to match kar hi nahi sakti! 😉

(They don’t say much…!! Ordinary girls just cannot match them)

2. Debauched soul – Gurgaon chal, waahan pe apne friends se milaunga, mast ‘chinkiyaan’ hain! Great Music!

(Come to Gurgaon, will introduce you to my friends, very cool Chinkys! Great Music!)

3. Excitable soul – Match at 5. ‘Chinki’ bhi aate hain, awesome game hota hain!

(Chinkys also come to play, hence the game is awesome!)

***

SCENE 4 – Khub jamega rang, jab mil baithenge teen yaar, aap, main aur auto walah! (Sharing an auto on a rainy day)

Strange(r) – To Bhaiya aap kahan ke ho? Patna ke?

(So, where are you from? Patna?)

Auto Driver – Nahi! Hum Kanpur ke pass se hain!

(No! I am from near Kanpur)

Strange(r) – Hmm … (Proceeds to think)

Strange(r) – Kanpur, Patna se kitna door hai

(How far is Kanpur from Patna?)

Auto Driver – (Thinks). Hoga kuch 500 – 600 km

(Must be about 500 – 600 km)

Strange(r) – (Excitedly). Arre Bihar such main kaafi bada hai!

(Wow! Bihar is really very big)

***

SCENE 5 – Where do we meet for coffee and cigarettes?

Someone – I am in Gurgaon, I can meet you at Ambiance Mall. When will you come back from Noida? Where are you going?

Somebody – Sector 18

Someone – Oh, near Great India Place Mall.

Somebody – Yeah, but I have to go to Rajouri Garden for some work later. Can you come there?

Someone – You mean Lifestyle mall. No yaar, too far!

Somebody – Ok then somewhere in South Delhi?

Someone – Haan, I can come to Select City Walk! or Promenade?

Somebody – I was thinking more like Safdarjung Enclave?

Someone – Dude, I don’t know where that is, Delhi is big!

***

SCENE 6 – More Face-book updates! Do you feel inundated by all those photographs flying all over your wall?

1. Goa pics uploaded!

2. Goa vacation

3. Chilling in Goa

4. Chillax @ Goa

5. Goa 2008

6. Goa 2009

7. Goa 2010

8. Best Vacation Ever (Number 647)

9. Sun and surf in Goa

10. Goa 2011?

11. Best place in the world – Goa!

12. Goa Rulzz!

13. Go Goa

14. Goa 2012

15. Goa – Part XXVI

16. Goa 2051?

***

SCENE 7 – General No-ledge!

1. Yaar yeh Maoists kaunse desh se hai, India main kaise aaye?

(Which country do these Maoists belong to? How did they come to India?)

Fortunately, I have only met one, of this variety!

***

SCENE 8 – It happens only in India!

1. Dude it took me 10 hours to get to Jaipur! There was a Gujjar-Meena highway protest!

2. Even the fishes have started going on strike in West Bengal!

3. Sardar friend – I’ll be visiting all my extended family this summer, so won’t be in Delhi for a month or so

Friend – Oh nice! Going to your hometown?

Sardar Friend – Kinda

Friend – Where?

Sardar Friend – London 😀

***

DISCLAIMERS FIRST.

1. In hindsight, maybe this does not represent all of Delhi. Maybe it does 😉

But for those of you idiots who can’t say North East Indians or have no idea where Chattisgarh is, wake up, smell the coffee, or else the Americans might take YOUR jobs!

2. The map is a figment of boredom and imagination, please do not take it personally.

3. We all know that all Americans are NOT stupid. Some of the brightest minds, ideas, businesses and technology have come from that country. Some of the best universities in the world are in that country.

“CAPITAL” Disconnect

 I am tired now!

This thing took all day, so YOU better comment!

In the meantime – Hit it ‘Dubya’!

And again!

Good night folks!

**************************************************************

THESE WERE THE COMMENTS FROM LAST TIME

COMMENTS

  • superb piece of writing….i hope it serves as a wake up call to all those ‘cool dudes’ out there………nd dis map is nt a figment of boredom but a standing proof that u never listen to music in public…..:P

By: sourabh dabas` on August 19, 2010
at 6:10 pm

Reply

Delightful and brilliant post. But it was scary.

Did I mention it was brilliant?

The sad bit is, all of what you have mentioned is not just some rare facet of Delhi, but a sizable and powerful chunk. And this phenomena of half bakedness exists throughout the country.

Well, we have all had chances to make speeches to ourselves when we were students. That time is over. We NEED to stay true to our ideals and fight complacent stupidity in all its forms. Dinesh, sirf maze lene se nai chalega, otherwise these cretin WILL be the next face of India.

Do your country a favour and be a jerk at times, if only to mock such specimens on their faces. I’m going to spend a lot of time redirecting people to this excellent post of yours.

By: Anupam Guha on August 19, 2010
at 6:13 pm

Reply

Hmm… Innarusting…

By: Nimish Batra on August 19, 2010
at 6:29 pm

Reply

Great map!

I am from Delhi and I think your statements are true for more than 50% of delhiites… of course like america, we have our smart bunch too!!

We are from the national capital….and we don’t know the nation

By: H on August 19, 2010
at 7:14 pm

Reply

The map is just brilliant … i spent a month in Jharkhand and one of the first responses i got when i came back was from an cousins friend who said .. happen to find any maids there mine just quit!

not to mention that Delhi has of-course become just a series of malls … like without those things, Dilli main toh kuch hai hi nahi na..

By: Ammu Sanyal on August 19, 2010
at 7:38 pm

Reply

Abey awesome hai ye Fact… Dilli walle bhi Clueless hi hain! Jai Dubya!!!

By: Nitin Khanna on August 19, 2010
at 7:46 pm

Reply

“educating the educators” aur “khoob jamega rang .. ” ke alaawa baaki sab aise scenes hain jo har jagaha milenge is duniya mein. baaki, agar kisi ne tumhaare saamne kanpur ko bihar ka hissa bataya hai, to woh waakai mein ajooba hai, aur aise log neglibible amounts mein present hain. student ke muh par madrasi! woh bhi student ke muh se uski location jaanane ke baad! lagta hai tumne bahaut saare exceptions ek saath dekh liye hain. region domination hota hai, duniya mein hota hai, but inta verbal form mein to bhaiya shaayad hi maine sapne mein bhi dekha ho delhi mein.

By: rahul khokhar on August 20, 2010
at 4:33 am

Reply

very well written and you have addressed the issue very well. Over the years people have this thing that they are “cool” and they know everything.

You have again reinstated my belief the education is an over-rated word.

good work keep it up. Yes one thing more LOVVVVEEEEED the map !

By: sahil singh on August 20, 2010
at 8:06 am

Reply

Fucking brilliant, man. Love your blog!

– @urgv

By: /urgu on August 20, 2010
at 8:29 am

Reply

Dino! That map is sheer brilliance!

By: Trina on August 20, 2010
at 1:39 pm

Reply

unfortunately part and parcel of our aping the west!

great work on the map! i like how you still have faith in the sense of direction however!

By: preeti on August 20, 2010
at 3:04 pm

Reply

Wow!! Thats the first post I’ve read of yours..n its terrific and H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S. The next time i travel in metro..im gonna be listening too!

By: Anisha on August 20, 2010
at 5:24 pm

Reply

Thats the first post I’ve read of yours…and its absolutely terrific and H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S. The next time i travel in metro…im gonna be listening too!

By: Anisha on August 20, 2010
at 5:27 pm

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The post truly deserves a huge round of applause!

The picture it presents, of ‘Dilli’ and ‘Dilliwaalahs’ reinforces my belief that there’s nothing capital about the residents of the capital; a major chunk still needs to be ‘e-joo-ke-tid’, if you know what I mean.

I like the sense of humor instilled, and I’m not surprised at your post being circulated far and wide; it needs to be.

By: nidhign on August 20, 2010
at 5:43 pm

Reply

Super!
I loved the gujjar meena highway patrol mark on map. hilarious!

By: Raj on August 20, 2010
at 7:03 pm

Reply

brilliant map work…. i make a point to remove my headphones in metro nd listen around …and believe me…people in delhi ARE SOMETHING!!!!! nd not jst the sheer ignorance but the way some people flout it … blows me away (shock!!!!)
nd evn i know one of this ‘maoist kaha se ae hain’ kinds…. hahaha

By: shweta bhalla on August 21, 2010
at 5:37 am

Reply

prolific writing!
This is so good-humored.
you covered ‘dilliwalon ka attitude’ in simple words!:D
I just loved that map concept!’dilliwale’ love to live in oblivion.

By: ayushi on August 21, 2010
at 3:09 pm

Reply

Awesome man DK… must share now!!! loved the map, being a fellow madrasi and chinki-work-hater…

By: Akshay Rao on August 21, 2010
at 5:04 pm

Reply

  • […] please read this post in my friend Dinesh Kapur’s blog. It is quite […]

By: ‘Ere we go! « Ephemeral Thoughts.. on August 21, 2010
at 7:37 pm

Reply

Brilliant!!!

By: Ayan on August 24, 2010
at 5:58 pm

Reply

  • […] Leonardo DiCaprio and Ellen Page are doing much cheaper-paying jobs now) and be sure to check out Decay’s Blog for some MS Paintery of his […]

By: Three Quarks for Muster Mark! « CHAOSVERSE on August 26, 2010
at 11:56 am

Reply

Hilarious!

Am from Delhi, and this is just so very true .. for a large chunk of the Delhi population!

The map captures everything so aptly

By: Neha on August 26, 2010
at 2:33 pm

Reply


Responses

  1. It started here, people! This is where it began! The trend that is sweeping cartoonists with a geographic conscience has it’s genesis here!

    In fact, I can see that the Bangalore map was clearly “inspired” by yours. I think a legal notice ought to be sent. Get some Janakpuri lawyers ready.

  2. Bangalore: “We wannabe Delhi, but not admit it. We so coo’!”

  3. Absolutely hilarious, Dinesh!

  4. Decay gets all the “OMFG! THAT WAS AMAZING! I LOVE YOUR BLOG! I LOVE YOU! FATHER MY CHILD!” comments.

    Assra gets the “That was funny and informative. You must come by my summer house in the Hamptons to discuss this further” comments.

    I get the trolls.


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