Posted by: Dinesh Kapur | November 16, 2010

Next UNSC seat for India? Quick thinking by Manny!

SATIRE ALERT!

Over the past few weeks, I am sure anyone who reads a newspaper, watches the news, loafs about the internet, reads periodicals or eats some nice roadside ‘channas’ (wrapped in newspaper) would have seen this picture of Dr. Manmohan Singh and Barack Obama embracing each other at the conclusion of the US President’s visit to India. This is also am image that is symbolic of the ties between the two nations.

Dr. Manmohan Singh and Barack Obama embracing bilateral ties

Image taken from http://www.thejakartapost.com/files/images2/1obama2.jpg

Just look at them! So happy! Like two friends reuniting after a long time! Like a diva and her nurturing mother addressing the media! Like two kids clinging on to each other!

I couldn’t help but think that just to give a good photo-op and make himself smile, Dr. Manmohan Singh was thinking about USA’s open endorsement of our desire to become a permanent fixture in the UNSC. I began wondering how the negotiations went and how he managed to convince Barack Obama to openly declare USA’s support.

I wondered… (think of that harp / dreamy music in cartoons that take the characters to thinking / imagining mode)

How the endorsement came about?

Quick thinking by Manny! Might just get us a seat!

“An after office hours production”

Disclaimer – I think Dr. Manmohan Singh rules! This is plain satire! That is all!

Alternative strip, for those with an alternative sense of humour

Advertisements
Posted by: Dinesh Kapur | August 28, 2010

Maintenance work in progress.

Dear Readers,

My PERSONAL blog, is under going maintenance, a little bit of dusting, cleaning and upkeep.

Never fear, the funnies are not far away.

So please bear with me.

Thank you for all the hits and comments on this non-commercial expression of creative thought.

Cheers!

Posted by: Dinesh Kapur | July 26, 2010

Colombian temptress and bad dreams in Johannesburg!

I had a really bad dream, it was boring and endless, and start stop and some bald man kept whistling throughout and showing pieces of yellow paper to other bald men (and to some other people, that looked like frail old women – with the way they kept falling all over the place) It was violent, people were getting kicked, pummeled and ‘Bommeled’.

It started out okay, rather nicely, in fact. This beautiful, luscious goddess who has been gyrating in our collective conscious for the past month, descended to the land of Mandela and she sang and danced. Adorned with flowers and a flowing dress, she looked like the shaman from the wildest of dreams. Those happy moments, with her and me, me and her and then suddenly, the sound of this infernal plastic device pierced the air and the boring bit began.

This dream, it went on and on, past the regular duration of most dreams, and then this jack in the box popped out and let loose this hammer blow and I was scared, because it reminded me of a similar nightmare I had on a cold Champions league night. Then I breathed a sigh of relief, thankfully Chelsea did not play World Cups!

The little men in black (say no to racism, a*****e!) erupted with jubilation and finally, thankfully, the laborious 2o1o FIFA World Cup final was over.

Some of the street fighters celebrated and some cried. I couldn’t care less for either. I shrugged and dragged myself to bed. I lay on my bed and almost instantly, I began drifting. The sound of ‘Waka waka’ playing and Shakira dancing in my mind, I was drifting again, slowly and slightly. The breathing was deeper and slower, my eyes closed, heart beating peacefully. I was drifting, my Shaman was calling out for me, I think I began snoring at that point, the Shaman she was calling for me, her beloved vuvuzella.

Posted by: Dinesh Kapur | April 18, 2010

Who killed the art of letter writing?

NOTE : This is a hypothetical letter from a hypothetical delegate at a hypothetical conference. The said delegate is very pretentious. The conference slightly more so.

And now, the hypothetical letter, proper;

**********

Dear Sir,

This is a long overdue email. Nonetheless, it will not stop me from claiming that it was a pleasure interacting with you at the event organized by you. I have to laud you for your organization. The event was very well done up. The food served by you was also very good. It was a humble honor to interact with you and the most excellent speakers that your company had bought to the stage. Some of them were very revealing.

Interacting with the other delegates was also very pleasing. Many cards were exchanged. I was a little saddened by the exchanges. Many trees must have been sacrificed to print so many cards. Maybe next time you can create an online portal or forum where we can exchange e-cards.

The venue was also very pleasing. Your selectivity of the venue shows that you must have had a lot contacts. Hopefully, I will be able to make you my contact by touching the bases with you through this email.

Before I forget, I must mention that I do not yet possess documentary evidence of my presence at the occasion that was organized by you. I repeatedly emailed your junior employee to send me the documentary proofs. However, there is no response from his email account. I send emails to him on a weekly basis, but I am still awaiting a reply or receipt of the same emails from your junior employee.

Another thing that I remembered, was that I met the same speakers at another conference. That conference was repeating the speakers. So I thought it is important for me to bring to your notice this possible case of plagiarism. Since I have also had the pleasure of attending these repeating conferences, I have made acquaintances of these high-minded individuals. I must appreciate that are very well versed with their speeches and some of them repeat their speeches like artistes from different theater groups. The gentle speakers recognize me, while others are always polite, every time.

At this point, you must be thinking, that I am some sort of fake-conference-blogger like the fake-ipl-blogger from the preceding season of the IPL. I assure you, I am none of above or aforementioned.

Anyway, I must also say that it was a pleasure when it came to my notice that your circle of joy had expanded. Sometime ago, Dr. XYZ told me that you were the proud owner of a new baby girl. My heartiest congratulations to you! I have reason to believe that the child is a girl and my best wishes to all of you! May you have good happiness and good health.

It was a pleasure connecting with you on the real and virtual platforms and on so many levels. I hope to establish and maintain contact with you for a lengthy period of time. Hopefully, one day you will invite me as a speaker for the events your organize so well. It will indeed be a pleasure!

Best Regards,
Delegate No. 123

NOTE : Any similarity to living persons, events or such things is purely for comic purposes. The author did not intend to offend anyway. Hopefully no delegates, speakers or organizers were hurt during the process of righting writing this letter.

Posted by: Dinesh Kapur | January 2, 2010

Chicken tikka, shaadi mubarak, aap kaun?

For starters, people should look their age and dress their age!

There is no fun in asking a mother of a one year old where she is studying these days. Absolutely no merit in that question! I mean, in asking where the mother is studying!

The reason why such a question would crop up in the first place is because it seems innocuous enough to initiate a conversation. The reasons for trying to initiate a conversation are twofold.

Secondary reason – both grabbed at the orange juice, at the same time; she wanted her vodka easier on the insides and, well I, wanted to have some more orange juice.

Primary reason – The only familiar faces in the entire gathering were the walls!

It takes some effort and courage to walk up to a group of people talking about colors and fabrics and, “oohh pata hai, even I saw the same dress, it was sooo pretty.” The said effort and courage doubles when the above statement is uttered by other men. No, I am not a homophobe. I detest pretension.

Specially after I have struggled miserably to swallow a cold and seemingly raw piece of chicken tikka in the middle of the most laborious conclusion to a conversation. The other conversation-convict had her eyes transfixed in horror, at the size of  a human bite! It started off okay,  but ended with talk of some random food event graced annually by my friend, between mouthfuls. The festival incidentally is held in her neighbourhood. She has never heard of such a festival! No I am not charming – in her own words, she is queer. No actually, ‘lebs-be-un’. Or mayber she chose to be that way after me.

So the conversation flowed – between other people – while I sat in different corners.

Obese and bearded men held the attention of other older men and young women.

I am sure, the “finer nuances of the intellectual ramifications of a prognosis of non-linear spatial ideas in the realms of contextually moving narratives with respect to their relation in history and economic sub-cultures” were actively discussed!

Definitely discussed! At length! What brilliance!

Some fashion ‘co-ordinated’ women were deeply engrossed in moving discussions. Older, experienced and working professionals were switching between quite conversations with their partners or close friends and ‘office mode’.

‘Office mode’  – hold a glass of an alcoholic beverage in your right hand with the left preferably in the pocket. The distance between your legs is directly proportional to how boring the conversation is likely to be. If your feet are close together, a few short jabs will be exchanged.

(Sample short jabs)

A – (excitedly) Hi! How are you?

B – (competing to be equally fake) Hi! I am great.

A – Still stuck in the same company

B –  Yes it won’t amount to much without me, it will probably end up like yours

A – Nice to meet! Fuck off!

B – You too! Bastard!

In case your legs are fart apart, about a foot, you know this is going to be a long conversation about how it is “crucial to analyze and ‘banal-ise’ the implications and psyche of classified sections of a neo-modernistic society in the revealing light of impressionistic work on the prevalent societal norms because unless someone does something like this, I can bullshit for a considerable amount of time…also the interwoven sub-cultures need to be sieved through with delicate…”

Personally, I think, I would have to do the following to survive conversations at most parties;

The best way to survive a dinner party!

The best way to survive a dinner party!

Also, you need to nod your head after every five words. After every few minutes start to stand on your toes your toes and half-way through abort. The result is head movements with occasional tempered thrusts. They serve as necessay punctuations. (For men only! Women do other things like – fake interest and shift their weight, cross their legs or heave their bosoms!)

I am not usually SO anti-social. There were a few fleeting warm smiles, from some seemingly likeable and interesting people. Unfortunately this was one of those occasions where you enter and you instinctively say – “Oh oh, I don’t think I am going to like this evening…” and that sticks out as the theme of the night. This particular evening was a little tough to ‘digest’ since the crowd was smallish and largely close knit – by neat fabrics, fuchisia and sub cultures.

Also, the presence of family tends to inhibit free expression, as a family member gives people a reference to judge. Not fun! Prison for the judges!

So inspite of a possible possibility of being acquainted by people who looked my age (and pretty), I couldn’t gather the gumption to break those animated and excitable coteries.

I shrugged my shoulders and asked if the paneer tikka was done. It wasn’t! By the way, the night gets worse – I start recieving phone calls to break the monotony of sitting in uncomfortable corners. The junta was now looking at me either reproachfully or with sneer.

So I indulged in conversations, on the phone, away from that smallish ‘intellectually’ and ‘gastronomically’ charged space…only to realise, that by the time I came back, most people had eaten. The others had done the customary – ‘touching the food’ and plates with plenty of food in them were already in the bin!

The experience of sticking out like a sore thumb – in a leather jacket – left me in no mood to be the last one with the dinner plate. Inexplicable decision in normal times. However, this was an extraordinary situation where I did not know anyone at a dinner party!

I was tired and sleepy. Had some dessert (which was not sweet!)

Some other highlights;

1) Spoke to an engineer, now a sort of marketing analyst, who claimed, that being in engineering he had met ‘so many people like me’! Thank you!

Some of the things he said were interesting. However, if you give people too much respect – specially when they state the obvious – they sign off by saying, “sure, you can ask me for any advice or help”

BLAH! The dessert! The attitude!

2) Spoke to a chap true to his profession. He was apparently relaying, replaying and reporting the things I told him. He is a journalist!

The hostess was unquestionably nice, took pains to engage me in conversation, get people to mix around, but I was too tired, hypoglycemic and sleepy to come off as sparklingly bright and witty, which I usually also fail to do when I am alert and well feed. The less said about the host, the better, because I actually have nothing to say about the guy! Except that he likes red!

Congratulations and a verry happy married life to the couple!

Happy new year!

Epitaph for the evening: Came home and had leftover lunch – ‘chappatis’ and ‘aloo-gobi’ and was so close to eating ‘shalgham’ also. Told a doctor about it, she was eating lasagna!

Posted by: Dinesh Kapur | December 31, 2009

Subliminal messages!

Here is an example of how obvious things have become!

Below, you will find an image of a ‘self-help’ strategy employed by some fellow students preparing for a practical examination.

It is nothing ingenious or spectacularly creative. Just an old fashioned ‘Ctrl+C’ – writing the program code on a sheet of paper, folding it four times and slipping it in the pocket while praying to the almighty that you pick the chit for any experiment but this.

In contrast, for some others, the folded paper is a ticket to invincibility, suddenly, there is no need to revise experiment number six!

Anyway, this incident is purely coincidental, ironic and hilarious. Look carefully at the portions that have been marked encircled.

Practical exam ka jugaad!

Practical exam ka jugaad!

1. Choice of the nation for the right education

2. The great aim of education is not knowledge but action

Most certainly, the choice of the nation! And certainly, not without its dose of action.

Knowledge is power!

Irony, that it can fit on chits, 50% photo copies and the back of one’s hand…Lage raho!

Posted by: Dinesh Kapur | December 27, 2009

A good hindi movie? Yes, its called 3 idiots!

Location: ‘Raj Mandir’ cinema hall at Jaipur!

Movie: 3 Idiots!

Result: Wah!

Scene 1: Older people give better directions!

After following some extremely precise directions from ‘experienced’ relatives, we reached the over-crowded premises of a theater called ‘Raj Mandir’.

For the uninitiated this cinema hall was built by the makers of ‘Maratha Mandir’.

For the – still clueless – these cinemas halls were the epitome of cinema viewing a few decades ago. A rather wholesome experience with a LARGE screen and a large number of seats. The fact that, somewhere in the region of 1400 people were watching the movie with us, added so much to each moment. The distinguishing feature, besides the scale of things, were plush and carpeted seating areas within the cinema hall premises – to cool off during the intermission or if the movie takes a turn towards boring.

I am surprised that this model is not common currency these days. Going by the turnout, a good movie and such a hall, sounds like a win win situation all around!

Scene2: Dial a ticket!

In retrospect, I can understand that people were clamouring and jostling for tickets, not just because

1) Jaipur was flooded with Delhi-ites and other tourists from all parts of the country

2) It was a Sunday night, with Monday being a holiday – perfect calender setting for a late night movie

but also because the movie was good and four days after its release, word had got out! and obviously to plenty of ears!

So with all lines leading to the box office teeming with people, many could be seen contacting their contacts for movie tickets. Introductions given to the cinema hall staff went something like – “I am a guest of ABC, who is from XYZ. 4 sounds like a good number!”

Anyhow, miraculously 4 tickets emerged and the driver managed to find a space to park the car too! The high point of the Jaipur trip could easily have been getting a parking spot next to the cinema hall – as it was crowded and the driver is seriously allergic to jams of the traffic variety!

Scene 3: Aall is waell!!

The movie has a quality of putting some understatements of engineering education on celluloid. Suddenly, realities that have been taken for granted and assumed to be defaults for long, are presented in a loud enough voice to the masses, while they sit together.

The best thing about all this, is the narrative is built on highlighting, not the dark side of the moon, but the humour in situations. The jokes come in circular layers – you unravel the layers and reach the core and then go through the layers again. In simple words, jokes, anecdotes and stories from the first half are referred to in the second half as well. The result – some witty dialogues and things seem to tie up well. There are plenty of funny moments, too many to name in this space!

A fun film to watch – fairytailish in bits, but then again, its good to give your imagination a little jog sometimes!

P.s. – Since I am doing the full fledged movie review, I shall go the whole hog, and add some conjecture (read masala!) – Shah Rukh Khan getting pally with Aamir Khan at the film screening recently, shows he is incredibly weary of the ‘idiot’. His recent roles and sparkling commercial success compared to ‘Sar-dard and disco’ and other forgettable movies by SRK might just have made Aamir Khan the undisputed king of jungle.  This youth-centric film could very well be the crowning glory!

Certainly, ‘Aall is Waell’ for 3 idiots!

Posted by: Dinesh Kapur | June 21, 2009

The Daily Olympics

You will find this post on

The Daily Olympics

A pretty cool magazine by some very cool people ..

Football has the full spectrum. I am talking about all the emotions one can experience.

My beloved Chelsea were robbed of revenge and salvation in the 93rd minute of a football match.

The investment of emotions, time, energy, prayers, wishes, curses, spells, charms, dedication, loyalty yields .. another tear.

After last year, we almost managed what we had set out to achieve .. almost.

Heartbreak.

For those of you who are going to give me the ‘Barca tried to play football’ line – you know where to stick it.

Norwegian referee. Absolutely horrendous.

I am stunned.

Where does Chelsea go from here? Where do I go from here?

For those of you who are going to give me the ‘It is just a game’ line – stick it where the last one went ..

So that is how the cookie crumbles ..

Do I know what will happen next? I can only wonder ..

Though I know I will invest emotions, time, energy, prayers, wishes, curses, spells, charms, dedication, loyalty for Chelsea next year as well .. with a smile.

Posted by: Dinesh Kapur | March 11, 2009

Old joke revisited !!

Happy new year, happy eid, happy holi .. happy all closed and restricted holidays!!

Does anybody around here blog anymore?!?

Whatever happened to the humourous writing? the biting satire? the alternative viewpoint ..

I guess the answer – third year of engineering for some and a job in the IT industry for others ..

Anyhow, here is an old bit, revisited, for your pleasure .. enjoy

YOU MUST WATCH THESE VIDEOS – for the post to mean anything !! Don’t assume you know the joke .. just watch it !!

and a continuation of that .. I never learn?

« Newer Posts - Older Posts »

Categories